


Husband Mine

by DomesticGoddess



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Accidental Marriage, Alternate Universe - Erebor Never Fell, Carefree!Bilbo, Erebor/Shire Alliance, F/M, There's a method to his madness, Trickster!Bilbo, fem!Thorin, mad baggins
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:08:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23588170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DomesticGoddess/pseuds/DomesticGoddess
Summary: Passing through the Shire, Thorin and her escorting guards arrive in time for a huge Shire-wide hobbit festival and are encouraged to join in the celebrations. She meets a annoyingly cheerful and confusing hobbit who takes a suspicious amount of interest in her and eventually convinces her to let him be her escort for the evening. She wakes up in bed with the same hobbit the next morning with no memory of how she got there and discovers that they are somehow married. Mortified and neck deep in denial, all she wants to do is get out of the Shire and leave the whole embarrassing mess behind. Unfortunately, her new husband is strangely enthusiastic about their marriage, and, determined not to let her slip away so easily, he follows her back to Erebor. But the worst part of the whole mess? . . . She might actually be starting to like him.
Relationships: Bilbo Baggins/Thorin Oakenshield
Comments: 42
Kudos: 112





	1. Accidentally Married

**Author's Note:**

> This story was inspired by Fist Pump! who requested a fem!Thorin fic. Thank you for the prompt! I've fallen in love with the idea that was born from it. 😁

It was a beautiful spring day. The road was only slightly damp from recent rains and the Shire was as lush and green as ever as Thorin and her company crossed the hobbit land borders. The rollings hills seemed to sway as the wind caressed the grass and wildflowers causing them to dance in its embrace. Crops were already sprouting in numerous fields and livestock could be found grazing on the hills. 

She had just finished up a diplomatic mission to the colony in Ered Luin and was finally heading back home to Erebor. It was always a long trip, checking up on Ered Luin, but it was also one of the most scenic. The hobbits, though unimpressive, were possessors of beautiful lands, relaxing atmospheres, and good pipe weed, not to mention an abundance of food. The Green Dragon was one of the best inns on their route and second to none in terms of food and ale. 

She clicked her heels to spur her pony on a little faster, eager to stop for a day or two. The hobbits were always accommodating and she would appreciate a nice hot bath before they had to get back on the road again. The inns of men just didn’t seem to compare to hobbit hospitality.

“It’s quiet.” Dwalin, her best friend and cousin grunted suspiciously beside her. “Haven’t see a hobbit since we crossed the border.”

She snapped from her musings and glanced around, also noting that there was no hobbit in sight in any direction. “What do you think it means?”

“Ambush?” Dwalin grunted. 

Bofur chuckled behind them. He had accompanied them as one of their best stone hearers. “By hobbits?! Can ya imagine? Pelt us with potatoes, they would!” He laughed.

“It’s festival season.” Nori corrected, as their resident shadow whisperer, it was his job to know these sorts of things. “They’re gettin' ready for a huge spring festival that they have every year. It’s a big deal. Supposedly, all the hobbits attend and even some dwarrow and men pop in for the fountains of ale and mountains of food. They hold games and activities and contests and everything. It’s super important to their culture.” 

“Ohh! Our timin’s perfect then!” Bofur exclaimed excited. “We should stay and check it out!” 

“We will stay no longer than we intended!” Thorin declared, leaving no room for discussion. “But you may check out the festivities for the duration of our stay . . as long as you don’t cause any trouble! The Shire is an important trade partner for Ered Luin and the prime reason it has been able to flourish.”

There was a chorus of excited affirmatives behind her and she huffed. How nice to be entertained so easily. 

As they rode deeper into the hobbit territory, the noise and activity rose as scores of hobbits bustled about preparing for the huge Shire-wide festival. They almost had trouble getting their ponies tended to, but one of the inn keeper’s lads noticed them before they had to snatch a hobbit off the street to get their attention. 

Despite the distractions and preoccupations going on all around, the innkeeper took care of them quickly and promised hot meals would be brought to them soon. With a final welcome and reminder to attend the festival that would be starting that very night, he shuffled off to resume his own party preparations. 

Her dwarrow chatted excitedly about the night’s prospects and she rolled her eyes, retreating to her private room after requesting a hot bath from one of the working inn lads. Both her bath and meal were delivered with respectful promptness and she was soon filling her stomach with exquisite hobbit fare and soaking in her slightly too small tub. She sipped at her ale and relaxed before giving herself an earnest scrub. Just because she lived like a male didn’t mean she always had to smell like one.

By the time she pulled herself out of the tub and redressed into something more diplomatic, the inn was all but empty as the sun started to go down. Even her own dwarrow were nowhere to be found, but the tell-tale ruckus of a party drifted in, muffled by her window. 

She shook her head and opted to go without her fur coat. She didn’t particularly need to stand out any more than she already would and sometimes it was nice to just be an observer. Of course, she was going. The food and ale alone would be worth it, but she would try to keep a low profile. 

She braided her hair back in a simple loose braid and checked her clothes once more before chiding herself. She looked royal enough, that’s all that really mattered. Curse Dis and her fashion advice. She didn’t need it but now she couldn’t get it out of her head. It’s not like she was looking to grab anyone’s attention anyway. 

She stomped out of her room stubbornly, enjoying the way her heavy boots thudded against the humble wooden floor. Her stride was powerful and confident and that’s what really mattered. 

She wandered outside and and headed towards the hill that looked like it was lit with a thousand torches. It was safe bet that that was where the action was. The party was obviously in full swing by the time she got there. There was lively music and song. Hobbits were dancing in circles and around poles, hovering around tables loaded with every kind of food one could imagine. Several bonfires roasted whole pigs.

There was so much going on that she was able to slip into the party unnoticed as there were plenty of other dwarrow and men around. She meandered over to one of the food tables as she scanned the crowds for her own dwarrow. Some guards they were, they didn't even wait to escort her to the party. Of course, she would have have to pitch a fit about it if they had just to maintain her image, so this was actually preferable. 

She snagged a plate and loaded it with a variety of meats and potato dishes to sample. She spotted Dwalin near the ale kegs, helping himself with an impressively large mug for a hobbit party. She spotted Bifur near one of the decorative flower arches sampling the . . . flowers? 

She shook her head and continued to scan the party when her eyes met another pair staring right at her. It was a hobbit. Male, maybe slightly above average in height. For a moment, she was mesmerized by the way his hair glowed golden in the torch lights. Green eyes remained locked on her over a mug of ale and she stood up straighter using her own above average height to appear more imposing. Whatever he was planning, it would be in his best interest to think twice.

A bray of a laugh near the ale kegs distracted her and she looked away for a mere second. When she looked back, the hobbit was gone. She quickly scanned the crowds for his signature golden halo but it was nowhere in sight. 

She fingered a dagger strapped to her belt and focused her senses to become hyper aware of everything in her immediate range. If the strange hobbit had ill intentions, she wouldn't be caught unawares.

Nothing happened for several minutes and she gradually began to loosen her guard. She finished her plate and dropped it into a tub of water for dirty dishes near the table, looking for a different table to sample at. She turned around and nearly ran right into someone. She startled, suppressing the reflex to hit first and ask questions later. How did she not notice them?

Her eyes narrowed as she recognized the grinning green eyes staring up at her. "What do you want?" She asked suspiciously.

He chuckled, finding it amusing for some unfathomable reason. "Aren't I allowed to just say 'hello?'"

"You haven't." She replied flatly, unimpressed.

"Hello." He shrugged with a carefree grin. 

She raised an unimpressed brow. He didn't appear to have any weapons. Why he had chosen to fixate on her, she had no idea, but he was hardly a threat. She could snap him in half without breaking a sweat. She turned away and headed for a different table, resolved to just ignore him until he went away.

"So you come for the festival? You're not one of the usual crowd. Never seen you here for one before." She jumped at the voice right behind her and swirled around to confirm his presence. He almost ran right into her he was so close, but he caught himself and shuffled back a step. She hadn't even heard him walking behind her.

"Just passing through." She answered with blatant annoyance, hoping he'd get the message and resumed on her path to the next food table. 

"Wow! Perfect timing then! Best time of the year for a free all you can eat, not to mention all the booze you can drink!" She rolled her eyes as the voice persisted disconcertingly close behind her considering she couldn't sense any other aspect of his presence. 

“Who are you and what do you want?” She spun around and growled with her best scowl. She didn’t make a habit of intimidating smaller folk but it would be satisfying to watch him scamper away. 

He rolled back on his heals staring at her with wide eyes for a moment before that infuriating grin slowly crept back onto his face. “Well, since you asked, I’m Mad Baggins! I’m just the local crazy, you can ask anyone.” He grinned triumphantly.

The fierceness drained from her glower as it morphed into baffled exasperation. “You introduce yourself as the 'local crazy'?” She raised a brow at him. 

“You know what they say: if you’ve got it, flaunt it, right?” He declared unabashedly. 

“That’s not- It doesn’t-“ She caught herself trying to reason with the self-proclaimed crazy hobbit. She shook her head and gave up, resuming her track to the table she had targeted. At least he was harmless. Loony as a miner high on cave shrooms but harmless. 

“So.” He drew out the vowel as he continued to pad along behind her. “What’s your name then? You know, since we’re exchanging names and all.”

She sighed and grabbed a plate and began helping herself at the new table. “I’ve no intention nor desire to continue this conversation by giving you my name, Mad Baggins.”

“Mad Baggins?! Well, how’s that for dwarrow respect? Goin’ around calling hobbits mad after just meeting them.” He ranted sounding offended. 

She turned to him again in complete confusion. “You said to call you that.” 

“No, I didn’t.” He immediately rebutted, grabbing a plate for himself and piling it up. 

“You said you were the local crazy.” She tried to defend. “You said to ask anyone!” She was losing her patience with this clearly mentally impaired hobbit. 

“You shouldn’t believe everything you hear. I’d think someone of your position would know better than that.” He popped a piece of sausage into his mouth still wearing that infuriating smile. 

She caught herself gaping and quickly snapped her mouth shut. “What? Just- Fine! What is your name then?” So she could tell him off properly and get rid of him! Was it considered bullying if the hobbit was super annoying?

“My name? Why should I give you my name? I don’t know anything about you! It’s not good manners to ask someone’s name without offering your own first. That’s just common courtesy. Everyone knows that.” He ranted and she pinched the bridge of her nose. She could feel a headache coming on. 

“Thorin.” She relented with a sigh, hoping he would lose interest and just go away. 

“Hmm. Well, that was hardly a passing grade on greeting etiquette, but I’ll let it slide this time.” He critiqued and she rolled her eyes. “Bilbo Baggins!” He held out his hand. “At your service, of course.” He grinned widely. 

She had pretty much given up by this point and accepted his hand. Only he didn’t shake it, instead he kept a hold of it as he began to walk by, rotating her in place. 

“Now that we’re properly acquainted, it’s only polite that I show you to the best seating available as the gentlehobbit that I am.” He tugged her along and she was caught off guard enough to let him. “Here it is!” He chuckled, releasing her after going only about twenty steps. “Conveniently close, huh?”

“What?” She had given up trying to follow his erratic train of thought.

“This. It’s a table. For eating?” He reiterated like he thought she was a bit slow in the head and she responded with a glare. He chuckled. “It has a good view of the party.” He gestured to the festivities around them. “And is more or less out of the way.” He set his plate down and took a seat. “Join me?” His smile adjusted to exude more charm. 

She raised a brow at him. He was smooth, in a weird kind of way. Was that whole confusing conversation just a means of getting her name and attention? His smile never faltered as she studied him and she glanced around with a sigh. The view was nice here and she had a feeling he would follow her even if she tried to go somewhere else. So, she took a seat across from him at the table. 

He beamed at her and she was momentarily struck by the beauty of it. She shook the thought from her head. How humiliating! Attracted to a hobbit and a crazy one no less! Absolutely not!

He lifted his mug to toast her and realized she didn’t have a drink yet. “Oh, can’t have that! No problem. I’ll just go get you one!” He announced and promptly took off to do so. 

She watched him leave and waited a few moments before slowly getting up from the bench. Maybe she could lose him if she got a head start. She turned to leave and almost ran into someone again. She almost apologized before she recognized him. 

“Impatient one, aren’t you?” He chided with a smile as he sidled around her to set down her drink. “I’m quite sure I just left. Did you think I’d leave you waiting?” He sat back down and gestured her back to her seat with a grin. 

She groaned inwardly and begrudgingly sat back down. How did he even get back so fast?! He went the other way! How did he end up behind her? She took her mug with a small nod of thanks and took a sip. She was going to need it.

At least it was delicious, as was the food as she occupied her mouth with eating so she wouldn’t have to talk to the strange hobbit. 

“So, Thorin, huh?” He asked thoughtfully as he effortlessly filled the silence between them. “That’s a nice, strong name.” She grunted in agreement. “A very . . . masculine name.” He rubbed at his hairless chin in consideration. 

“Aye, and?” She glared. Was he insulting her name? She was proud of it and she wouldn’t be told by the likes of a hobbit that it wasn’t fitting. She checked herself before she could get too worked up. He probably thought she was male anyway. 

“And nothing!” He replied eager to appease. “It suits you.” She grunted in agreement. “I was just expecting something a little more . . . feminine.”

“Why would you think that?” She studied him. What did he know? Was he more dangerous than she thought?

“‘Why?’” He mimicked with a chuckle. “Cause you're a dam, obviously.” She stopped eating and straightened up, deciding whether he was a threat that needed neutralized. “Not that I’ve met very many. It could be normal for dams to have masculine sounding names for all I know.” He continued to ramble.

“I’m the commander of Erebor’s army. Why would you think I’m a dam?” She crossed her arms and studied his reaction. 

“Really?!” He sounded intrigued. “Well, then your name really is fitting! And I don’t think it, I know it.”

“How?” She growled. 

His brows scrunched together at her aggressive demeanor. “Isn’t it obvious?” They studied each other for a moment. “Is it supposed to be a secret? I wasn’t trying to give away sensitive information.” He lowered his voice looking serious. 

She thought he _was_ serious at first until she saw the edge of his mouth quirk up in a barely there smirk. She rolled her eyes and huffed and his pretense melted away, revealing the full grin. “I am not ashamed of my gender nor do I go out of my way to hide it.”

“But it gets mistaken a lot, doesn’t it? Even by dwarrow?” He wondered somewhat surprised. 

“Aye.” She eased back out of her aggressive position and resumed clearing her plate. 

“Hmm.” He hummed thoughtfully. 

“You haven’t told me how you figured it out.” She reminded. 

“Nothing to figure out.” He shrugged. “Could tell just by looking at you. Even if you are a dwarf, some things are just obvious.”

She furrowed her brows at him in offended confusion. “What’s that supposed to mean? Despite what other races think, there are distinct differences between our males and females.”

“That’s not what I meant.” He chuckled taking another swig of his ale. “I just meant it can be harder for races to identify gender differences in other races. Men and elves tend to find dwarrow the hardest to distinguish gender with.”

“Not hobbits?” She baited him. 

“Us? Oh, goodness no. It’s as plain as the nose on your face. I knew you were a dam the moment I saw you. We hobbits have super powers, you know.” He winked with a suggestive grin. 

“Really. Is that supposed to be some kind of pick up line? Is that what this is?” She asked unimpressed. “If you’re looking for a bed partner for the night, I suggest you move on.” She warned. 

He chuckled, unfazed. “There are more than enough lads and lasses available if I was looking for a quick romp. I was looking for something a little more interesting and you fit the bill quite nicely.” He winked. “The challenge was getting you to talk to me.” He grinned shamelessly. 

She scoffed. “So you aren’t crazy . . just annoying.”

“Oh, no. Crazy as a loon. Ask anyone! . . . Just not oblivious.” His eyes sparkled keenly over his mug as he took another drink. “I knew it would take a good bit of effort to get your attention beyond a polite pretended interest.”

She studied him in all his self-confidence. Well, he _had_ gotten her attention, even if it was in annoyance and exasperation. “So, now that you have it, what do you intend to do with it?” She wondered, still confused about what his end game was. 

He grinned victoriously. “Well, I couldn’t help but notice you don’t have an escort for the party. I’d be happy to be your guide.”

“Why do I get the feeling that you’d just follow me around all night even if I said no?” 

He grinned widely at her, not even attempting to deny the assumption. 

“Fine.” She sighed. “I suppose there are worse things.” She mumbled into her ale.

He chuckled, pleased with his victory. “Well then, what are we waiting for?” He grabbed their empty plates and tossed them into a nearby bucket. “Let’s go have some fun.” He held his hand out to her. 

She eyed him and chose to ignore it, helping herself up. He shrugged unaffected and proceeded to show her around, chatting all the way.

~~~~~

She groaned as she slipped into wakefulness. She clumsily brought a hand to her forehead. Her head was pounding like it was stuck between Mahal’s hammer and anvil. She dreaded even opening her eyes. 

She dropped her arm back down and it slapped against something soft and warm. Her brows furrowed as it grunted and shifted under her. She lifted her arm in confusion as it rolled towards her and began to wrap around her. 

She lifted her head carefully and tried to peer down through heavily squinted eyes. Someone was in her bed. Her hungover mind slowly pieced together as she tried to make sense of the blurry mess of curls nuzzling against her chest. 

The warm body squirmed against her and something firm pressed against her hip just as her groggy brain started to put the pieces together. A golden halo and green eyes flashed through her head. She flung him away reflexively and he landed on the other side of the bed with a whump and a grunt. She rolled out of bed but immediately had to stop and sit on the edge, cradling her aching head with a groan. 

The hobbit stretched awake on the bed behind her. “Well, that was a wake up call.” He said casually. “Here. Drink this. It will help with the hangover.” She felt a glass bottle tap against her bare side. 

She took it and squinted at it, ready to try anything to just make it go away at this point. She popped the cork and quickly downed the sweet liquid in one movement, wincing when it felt like a fresh hammer stroke against her temple. 

He chuckled behind her. “I told you Maggot’s moonshine wasn’t for amateurs.”

She growled as the pain in her head became significantly more bearable. Whatever was in that vial, it worked wonders. When she was sure she wouldn’t get sick, she eased herself up off the bed and slowly turned to face him. She intended to go for menacingly fierce but she suspected she fell embarrassingly short. 

He was sprawled across the bed, completely naked and confident, his hands folded underneath his head as his gaze raked over her equally naked form smugly. Worst of all, he didn’t look the least bit hungover. 

“It’s still early. You could come back to bed. Get some more sleep. . . or we could have an early morning romp if you’d prefer something more . . engaging.” He rolled onto his side and rested his cheek on his hand, grinning.

“How dare you.” She growled, quietly for her own sake.

“How dare I what?” He chuckled. “Invite you to sleep in?”

“I am a princess of Erebor. How dare you take advantage of me for your own pleasure?! You will pay-“

He laughed. “Oh, I think you’re going to have a hard time making that stick. After all, last I checked, it’s perfectly acceptable to take one’s spouse to bed for _mutual_ enjoyment, even for dwarrow.” His grin remained strong. 

“What are you talking about? We’re not married!”

“We are now.” He chuckled. “As of last night in fact.”

“You’re lying.” She absolutely refused to believe it. 

He chuckled and rolled onto his back. “The whole Shire witnessed it, Cupcake. You spoke your vows before the Thain.” 

She rubbed a hand over her gaping mouth, speechless. It couldn’t be true. She wouldn’t- could she have really been that drunk?! Drunk enough to marry _this_ ridiculous, crazy hobbit?!

She jumped into action, scrambling to locate her clothes that were strewn about and redress. No! This wasn’t happening! She had no memory of the night before but she was sure she wouldn’t have done something so _stupid_! She just needed to get dressed and leave. She needed to get out of this bloody Shire and forget this even happened!!

“Hey, wait! At least stay for breakfast! I make a mean pancake!” He shouted after her as she bolted out the door, still finding pieces of her attire in the hall as she went. She didn’t even recognize where she was! The hall went on forever and she though she would never find her way out until she finally spotted a door with a coat rack . . and her boots lying in front of it. 

She shoved them on her feet and stormed out the door. She wasn’t even sure if she had managed to collect all her clothes but she didn’t care. She was getting out and as far away from this mess as possible! 

_~Bilbo~_

He heard the front door slam and he plopped back into the bed with a chuckle. He spotted a foreign fabric sticking out from under the pillow where she had been sleeping and he pulled it out. It was her chest wrap. He brought it to his nose and sucked in a deep breath, releasing it with a contented sigh as he remembered their coupling from the night before. 

Cupcake? She was no mere flower or sweet dessert. She was a firecracker like the ones Gandalf would make. He chuckled fondly to himself. So much for his bachelor status. He was a taken hobbit, though if he didn’t get moving he might be a left-behind hobbit. 

He rolled out of bed. He certainly hadn’t intended on getting married when he attended the festival last night. But he couldn’t complain. She was amazing, even if she was in complete denial. But she had made it perfectly clear what she wanted last night, with Farmer Maggot’s moonshine to loosen her strict inhibitions. 

He sighed fondly as he got dressed. He couldn’t just let her go now, he had a vow to keep. Besides, she would be one hell of an adventure. He grinned to himself and headed to the kitchen. She was sure to be hungry.


	2. Persistent Pursuit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of crazy stuff going on out there right there. Remember to keep calm and read fanfiction before losing it. 😉

She burst out the door and down the smial walk way and out the gate. At least outside she didn’t feel so disoriented. She winced under the morning sun as she scanned the area to determine which way she needed to go. 

She headed down the road towards the inn, hoping that she didn’t look too disheveled or drew too much attention. Judging by how easy it was to move, she was pretty sure she was missing several key pieces of the outfit she went out with last night, but she was not about to go back for them. She would simply redress in her room at the inn and count them as a loss. 

She hurried down the road trying not to look as desperate as she was to get back to the inn and took advantage of any passing wagons to duck out of sight as much as possible. 

And there were a lot of wagons. The hobbits were already out and about and busy. The festival still seemed to be in swing if a bit lower key than the night before. From what she understood, most of the activities and competitions took place during the day while the evenings were reserved for partying. Not a single one of them looked hungover. How were they functioning so well after all the booze that had flowed the night before?!

She finally spotted the inn and ducked behind a parked wagon to make her way closer when a voice boomed out at her. She relaxed immediately. It was only Dwalin and she could use some stability right now. 

“Where ye bloody been?!” He closed in on her and she straightened up and turned to meet him. “We’ve been lookin’ for ye all bloody mornin'!” He shouted.

“I . . . “ she tried to think up an excuse but her head still hurt too much to come up with something that fast.

“Where were ye? It’s not like ye at sneak off like that. Did somethin' happen?” He asked suspiciously as he looked her over, taking in her disheveled appearance. 

“I . . must have drank too much.” She admitted quietly. “I don’t really remember what happened.” She rubbed a hand over her face. 

“I’d be more than happy to fill you in.” A cheerful voice spoke above them and they both spun around to the wagon, Dwalin grabbing an ax. 

There he was. That infuriating, smiling hobbit, lounging in the wagon's seat. How did he always find her?! Why could she never get away?! He was just a hobbit! She braced herself against the wagon feeling sick from the sudden movement and defeated by his persistence. 

“Who are ye and what do ye know?!” Dwalin barked in demand. 

“Bilbo Baggins, at your service. Or perhaps I should say Mr. Oakenshield. Do dwarrow have marriage titles?” He wondered casually.

“What are ye talkin’ about?!” Dwalin was not appeased. “What do ye know of last night?!”

“She was with me but I promise she was in good hands. It was my pleasure to be completely at her service. It was amazing. Delicious. Finest cherry I ever popped.” He finished with an exaggerated chefs kiss.

They both gaped at him and she paled, hoping Dwalin hadn’t caught on.

“Oh right!” He exclaimed before they could recover and pulled something out of his jacket. “I thought you might be missing this, Lemon Drop.” He winked at her with a smug smile. 

Her chest wrap hung from his hand and she blushed in spite of herself. Dwalin definitely recognized the piece of cloth and immediately turned to Thorin to confirm it. Her blush must have been proof enough as in the next second he was lunging at the wagon after the hobbit shouting a colorful string of profanities. 

The hobbit rolled away out of reach and disappeared out of sight with a chuckle and Dwalin took off around the wagon to catch him. She stood speechless braced against the wagon. All she wanted to do was get out of the Shire before anyone found out. He was a hobbit! He wouldn't follow after her farther than Bree no matter how persistent he was! But now Dwalin knew and with the blasted grinning hobbit running around waving her underclothes around, there wouldn’t be anyone who didn’t know. 

The wagon shifted and creaked and suddenly something plopped down in front of her. 

“Hello, Darling.” He grinned up at her, a neatly folded chest wrap held out to her in his hand. 

She stared at it dumbly. Her shocked mind rebelling against even understanding why he was standing in front of her.

“If you don’t want it, I don’t mind keeping it.” He brought it to his nose and brazenly took a sniff. “It have fond memories of taking it off.” He smirked smugly. 

She finally snapped out of her daze and snatched it from his hand before quickly hiding it in her tunic. “What do you want?” She growled. 

“You left in a hurry. I thought you’d be hungry.” He held up a wonderful smelling basket. “Wouldn’t want my lovely wife to be hungry.” He grinned. 

That was it. She'd had enough. She grabbed him by his jacket and slammed him into the wagon. He winced and grunted at the impact but his smile never completely fell. “We are not married!” She snarled. “Whatever happened last night was a whim and a mistake. Now leave me alone and stop following me!” She slammed him against the wagon again for good measure and took comfort in the way he grimaced and coughed from the impact. 

Dwalin reappeared from behind the wagon and quickly closed in as back up.

Yet, the crazy hobbit’s smile remained intact. “It’s not that simple, Sweat Pea. Our marriage was officiated by the Thain of the Shire. It was set into the hobbit records and the entire Hobbit community was there to witness it. You can’t just pretend it didn’t happen.” He tried to reason with his palms raised in surrender. 

“Is that true?!” Dwalin asked furious.

“I don’t know.” She growled in frustration. How could she have done something so ridiculous?! Or had he gotten her drunk and manipulated her the whole way? Her eyes narrowed at him suspiciously.

He chuckled. “I know what you’re thinking but this isn’t my doing. I may be crazy but I’m not suicidal. I didn’t trick you into marrying me. It was your idea, actually.”

“Impossible.” She immediately contradicted. 

“We can ask the Thain if you don’t believe me.” He chuckled again.

She glared at him and released him roughly with a snarl. “Fine! But if I find out you're lying to me-“

“I’m not lying, Pudding.”

“And stop calling me by those disgusting food names! I am not your pudding, cupcake or any other kind of dessert!” She pointed in his face to make her point. 

He glanced at her finger than back to her, his expression finally more neutral. “Sweat Pea is a flower, actually, but I forgive you for the mistake. I can see how a dwarf may have a hard time distinguishing the two.” He finally returned with a barely there smirk. 

Oh, that was it. She couldn’t take it any more. She clenched her fist and was ready to knock that grin off his face but Dwalin grabbed her arm and held her back. 

“Don’t. We need ta talk to the Thain, sort this out. Ye know the laws regarding spousal abuse.” He cautioned. 

“There is no way we are married! Not by dwarrow law!” She retorted angrily, pulling out of his grasp. 

“We’re in the Shire! By our alliance agreement, we are bound to respect their laws while in their land! Now, we will go to the Thain and get this ridiculous mess sorted!” He shouted using a level of authority with her that he rarely did. He was clearly concerned about her and her standing.

She rankled against the order but nodded in agreement. Dwalin had always been as good as a brother to her, even better then her own sometimes. He only ever looked out for her. “Then let’s do that and get it over with.”

The hobbit cleared his throat getting their attention. “You might want to change first.” He gestured towards her vaguely, his smug grin back. 

She looked down at herself again and realized just how disheveled she looked. She looked like she had just escaped from someone’s bed. She blushed slightly and sent Dwalin a sheepish look. He let out an exasperated sigh and gestured to the inn with a nod of his head. “Go. I’ll watch the hobbit.” He crossed his arms and dared the smaller male to try something. 

She nodded and took off for the inn, hurriedly making her way up to her room to change. She threw off her clothes, wanting something completely fresh, and started to redress when she felt something wet lazily run down the inside of her thigh. 

She paused in confusion and grabbed the rag near her wash basin to wipe it off. She stared at it as her brain, despite her denial, forced her to recognize what it was. She grabbed her previous underclothes to check them as well, and, sure enough, they sported a matching wet spot. She must have been too distracted to notice it. 

She ran a hand over her shocked face. She may not have enjoyed much (any) male company, but she certainly wasn’t naive about what was running down her leg. She was equal parts mortified and humiliated. She had been leaking his seed even as she had been threatening him against that wagon.

No wonder he wore that infuriating grin! He’d already achieved his victory! She growled to herself and kicked the bed post in her fury. How dare he take her like some common whore?! How dare he defile a princess of Erebor?! Who did he think he was?! How dare he flaunt his victory so brazenly?! She would have his bea- his foot hair for this! 

She furiously washed herself, trying to eliminate whatever was left off him inside her and finished getting dressed. She stomped out of her room, feeling more confident now that she was dressed properly in her commander garb. Perhaps the Thain would even let her drag his smiling arse back to Erebor to suffer a punishment fitting of one would defile a member of the royal family. 

She took long strides as she marched back over to where she had left them only to falter in her confident strut when they came into view. The hobbit was leaning casually against the wagon and Dwalin was standing just to his side, stuffing his face with who knows what. The hobbit chatted happily still wearing his signature grin as they waited.

She stomped over, now infuriated for a different reason. This hobbit was an enemy! Why were they chatting it up like old friends?! “What are you doing?!” She eyed the two of them suspiciously.

The hobbit turned to her and his smile seemed to brighten. “Oh! Hello, Buttercup! You look lovely! Very commanding. It’s very fitting.” He complimented, eyeing her appreciatively. The greeting threw her off and she blushed in spite of herself. She wasn’t used to being so blatantly appraised . . or complimented. And he effortlessly appealed to both her dominant need to be commanding as well as her, more suppressed, feminine desire to be appreciated. Dwalin was watching her carefully and she cleared her throat, trying to think of a reply. 

“We were just talking about you.” He continued, releasing her from the obligation. “That and I offered him some breakfast.” He chuckled. “Are you sure you wouldn’t like some? Hangovers are even worse on an empty stomach.” He held up his basket to her. “I’m afraid Dwalin’s already devoured the cookies.”

She glanced at Dwalin who was still eyeing her carefully. What had they been talking about? “Cookies for breakfast?” She raised a brow. He just shrugged. “No thanks. I’ll pass.”

“Suit yourself. If we want to catch the Thain before he gets too busy with the festival, we had better get going.” He responded cheerfully, pushing away from the cart and handing Dwalin the basket before walking off.

She stared in disbelief as Dwalin continued to stuff his face with whatever assortment of goodies resided in the basket. Had he been so thoroughly bribed?!

“What?” He asked defensively after swallowing a big bite of something jelly filled. “It’s good!” He defended and gestured for her to follow the grinning hobbit. 

She shook her head. She couldn’t believe her best friend and personal guard could be so easily bribed with-with . . cookies?! She glared at the hobbit up ahead of her. Perhaps he was more formidable than she had thought. 

The two of them caught up and followed close behind him as he led them around the town on what seemed like a completely random trek through yards and behind shops, even making them hop a fence or two. Just when she was about pull him to a stop and pummel him for wasting their time, a small group of hobbits came into view outside a large smial. 

“Pap!” He called as they approached causing an older hobbit to turn in their direction.

“Bilbo, my lad! It seems you survived the night.” The old hobbit eyed him up and down. 

Bilbo laughed. “Did better than that!” He returned suggestively. “Though my new spouse has something to say about it.” He gestured back to her. 

“Is that so?” The Thain eyed her with a narrow gaze. Why did he seem so suspicious of her? The hobbit was the one out of line!

“We were just down the bloody road! Why’d ye lead us all over the hills just to get here?!” Dwalin barked and Thorin realized he was right. They were only maybe a five minute walk from where they started but it had taken them a good twenty minutes to get there.

“It was faster.” Bilbo shrugged with a grin and Thorin reconsidered pummeling him.

“I’m a busy hobbit. If you have something to say, say it.” The Thain interrupted her violent fantasies. 

She sent the grinning hobbit a glare. “This . . hobbit claims that we are married.”

“As you are.” The Thain responded as he signed a document that had been handed to him.

She paused, caught off guard by the confirmation. “I want it annulled on grounds of manipulation through a mind impairing substance.” She demanded, defaulting to dwarrow legal grounds, confident that she was justified in this. 

The Thain gave her an unimpressed look, raising a single bushy brow at her. “You have no grounds for an annulment. Only Bilbo can request to have your marriage annulled, if he so chooses.” He sent an amused and exasperated glance at the younger hobbit.

“Why? Because I’m a dwarf?! Do you know who I am?! Our alliance demands equal treatment in matters of law!”

He responded with a glare. “You could be the king himself, but, by hobbit law, you have no grounds for requesting an annulment because you were the one who insisted on the bloody marriage!” He snapped back at her irritably. “You practically dragged him through the marriage steps and threatened him into sharing vows with you! If anyone has grounds for annulment or legal retribution, it’s him, not you!”

She gaped gobsmacked and Dwalin’s face hit his palm with a grown. Bilbo merely chuckled in amusement and the Thain shot him a chiding look. 

“That’s-that’s not possible.” She denied numbly. 

“The entire Shire watched it happen. It was rather funny until the end and sure to be the gossip of the year.” He consented a little more mildly. “I have no idea what got into you, lad.” He sent an exasperated look at Bilbo, who just chuckled.

She stood there in shock, her mind spinning to find a way out of this. What in all of Mahal’s mountains had she been thinking?! She never got drunk, at least, not so drunk that she would throw all her principles to the wind like they were nothing! There had to be a way to fix this . . and then she was never drinking hobbit booze again. 

“You!” She turned on her hobbit ‘husband.’ “Ask for an annulment!” She ordered. After all, why would he want to stay in a marriage he was bullied into?

“What?! Oh, no. I don’t think so.” He shook his head. “I’m quite satisfied with the arrangement.” 

She gaped at him completely befuddled and barely registered the Thain’s resigned sigh. “Why?!” She grabbed him by his coat. “I want nothing to do with you! I’m a dwarf! We have nothing in common! We only met last night! How many reasons do you need to not want this marriage?!”

He just grinned patiently back at her, letting her have her say. “You certainly wanted something to do with me last night.” He countered lowly, gently prying her fingers off his coat. “Far be it from me to deny my beloved what she wants. Besides, I’ve become rather taken with you.”

“I am not your beloved.” She growled once her brain had recovered from the shock and embarrassment of his words and once again contemplated rearranging his delicate rounded facial features. 

“There are other ways to find the excitement you crave, Bilbo. Let her have her annulment and save yourself from the abuse.” The Thain tried to reason. “There are scores of lads and lasses throughout the Shire that would happily entertain you, even marry you! The adventure with this one isn’t worth the suffering.”

Thorin wasn’t sure if she should be grateful for the help or insulted by the slight. As if she was lesser than some average hobbit! She was dwarrow royalty! Of course, he should be honored to be called her husband! Not that she wanted him as her husband, but he should be honored anyway!

“No, Pap. I’ve been around the Shire . . a few times.” The Thain snorted. “None of them hold a candle to this one.” He looked to her fondly. “This one’s a keeper.” 

She stared back suspiciously. How arrogant to think he could know her so well after just one night? A night where she wasn’t even herself! But his fond smile softened something inside of her and warmed her chest. How could he be so committed, so, genuinely devoted after such a short time? After the way she had treated him, both now and the day before? How could he just accept her gruff, aggressive, domineering personality so easily?

Her ire quickly faded until it was little more than annoyance. His smile _was_ kind of cute when he wasn’t being so smug.

The Thain shook his head with an exaggerated sigh. “I just don’t understand you, my lad. Even your mother wasn’t this bad.”

Bilbo chuckled and shrugged. “I’m a loony, Pap. What’s there to understand? My ways defy logic.” He responded with a flourish. 

“Comprehension, perhaps, but we both know you function according to your own logic.” The Thain returned unimpressed. “Sometimes, I wonder if you were meant to be a hobbit.” He speculated thoughtfully. “Perhaps a dwarven adventure will finally satisfy your restless spirit.” He sent a warning glance at the dwarrow. “I will not hear of any mistreatment or retribution intended on his person for this matter! Know that I will personally press charges to your Ereborian government if any harm comes to him because of it!”

“Aw, Pap. You don’t have to do that! I can take care of myself!” Bilbo protested as the dwarrow wondered why the Thain would take the issue so seriously. 

“Hush! You are my Bella’s only child! I will not have you thrown in a dwarven dungeon or left for dead in a ditch because a princess of Erebor couldn’t contain her urges!” He rebuked, making her blush. “Besides, Ada will shave my feet if I let her favorite grandson come to any harm.” He added more subdued. 

Bilbo laughed jovially and threw an arm around the Thain’s shoulder to pull him into a hug. “Thanks, Pap. Tell Mam I insisted if she gets after you.”

“Hmm, yes. Very well. Now go on! I have an endless list of duties to attend to since someone won’t do his share.” The Thain pushed him away lightly and gave him the stink eye. 

“Aw, Pap! You know I don’t care for paper work or that . . official stuff. That’s what I handed it over to Otho for! Tell him to start pulling my weight better!” He laughed.

“Oh, go on! You troublesome grandson! You’ll give your Mam a heart attack one of these days.” The Thain waved him off.

“Give Mam my love.” Bilbo laughed as the Thain escaped to take care of more official party business.

Thorin and Dwalin were just staring at him when he turned around. “What?” He shrugged.

“The Thain’s your bloody Grandfather?!” Dwalin shouted exasperated. 

“Oh, yeah. You didn’t know that?” He wondered casually.

Dwalin’s face hit his palm once again, accompanied by a string of Khuzdul curses. Thorin just stared at her new life partner in silence. The bloody crazy hobbit was a prince of the Shire?! He acted more like the local hooligan! And why did he keep smiling at her like that?!

He sidled up next to her almost cautiously as she continued to stare at him intently, Probably scowling fiercely from what her friends and family were more than happy to tell her. “Well, it’s a bit late for second breakfast, but I could treat you to elevensies if you’re up for a meal.” He offered his arm with a sweet smile. 

She shook her head and mentally chided herself, realizing that she had gotten lost in his tender, green-eyed gaze. She sighed in resignation. It seemed there was no getting out of this, at least not before she could get home and get her father to send an official royal request for an annulment for legal issues or whatever. 

“Fine.” She consented quietly, still refusing to take his arm. She was getting hungry and at least he wasn’t hard on the eyes as company, but she wasn’t about to become some fawning, heart-eyed lass for anyone.

His grin widened regardless and he guided her away, chatting happily about the best food choices for elevensies while Dwalin followed behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next timw: TBD (Haven't gotten to it yet 😆)

**Author's Note:**

> This work is only being sporadically updated. Check out my [tumblr](https://domesticgoddesswriter.tumblr.com) for my posting schedule, announcements, fic recs, recent activities, fan art and more!


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